Dear Caring Carol,
Last month the dad of my teenage son’s good friend died. We sent a personalized sympathy card from the family, and my son wanted me to go to the funeral home with him. I was pleased that he asked me to go, but a problem arose when I saw what he intended to wear. He had chosen a clean, but not new pair of faded jeans, a blue tee shirt with a peace sign on the front, and the ever present high top sneakers that he wears practically everyday. I suggested that he wear a pair of khakis with a belt along with brown oxfords.
I didn’t deem his attire choice appropriate for the occasion, and he really gave me a hard time about this. What do you think?
Distressed Mom in Dayton, Ohio
Dear Distressed,
What I think is how rare it is these days that a teenager would ask a parent to accompany him anywhere. The question is: do you become so grateful that you overlook what you deem appropriate attire? I don’t think the answer is the same for every situation. As the adult, you are the one who must think about the particulars.
For instance, in this situation, do you know the family well enough to judge whether they would be offended by his choice of attire? Do you think your son could find out if other friends were going and what they would be wearing? If he could use his friends as a resource, he will be much more comfortable in a situation that is undoubtedly stressful to him. Of course if he were asking to wear cut-off jeans and a tank top or any other really off-beat attire, I would certainly make sure that he dressed more appropriately.
The bottom line is you did the right thing. Your son should have been dressed in presentable attire to show respect to his grieving friend and family. However, if the argument became heated, you could have deferred to your son and told him how proud you were that he was facing a difficult task, and that your suggestion was meant to help him get through it with dignity.
Caring Carol
