Dear Caring Carol,

I went to the wake of my best friend’s cousin, and it was more like a party with loud laughter, storytelling, even singing. Is this appropriate? Isn’t there a certain form of sympathy etiquette that should be followed at wakes?

Margaret in Plano

Dear Margaret,

Everyone deals with loss in their own personal way. I understand how you may have felt this was inappropriate behavior, but the reality is that families have certain traditions and ways of extending condolences that not everyone else understands. This cousin may have specifically asked for this type of ceremony, or perhaps this is how most of the family wakes tend to flow. Just because there is laughter and joy that does not mean the deceased is not loved and missed. Try to be more open to the experience and not judgmental. You do not have to participate in the laughter and singing, but don’t let this make you uncomfortable. Everyone at the wake has shown great respect by being there and should not be judged for how they react to loss. This is a natural part of the grieving process for people. And always remember, sometimes laughter heals wounds.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

Do you have any suggestions on things that lift a person’s spirits when one of their family members passes away?  I have a co-worker named Ron whose grandmother passed away, and no matter what I do to try and make him smile or laugh, it just doesn’t work.  I understand this is a very difficult time for him, but I feel helpless not being able to do anything to get him through it.  I really wish to brighten things up for Ron – if only for a little while.  What do you think I should do?  Thanks.

George in Hanover

Dear George,

There are so many things you can do to help lift your co-worker’s spirit, just remember, if he is not ready to smile and laugh, it will be tough for him to do. That still doesn’t mean that Ron doesn’t understand or won’t appreciate what you are trying to do. Some wonderful sources of encouragement are inexpensive, and in fact, most are free to do, but are extremely rich in meaning. For example, you can write a supportive quote on his facebook wall on a random day; this will let him know your thoughts are with him even though you are out of work. You can also send Ron a card with a few heartfelt words that aren’t overwrought. One example can be simply stated like the following: “I’ll always be right there for you, if you need a listening ear.” Good luck cheering your co-worker up, he is lucky to have a friend like you who cares so much. He will come around, slowly but surely!

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

When I heard the news story of the Madonna Badger who lost her three daughters and parents in the Stamford, Connecticut Christmas morning fire my heart was broken. The more I heard the worse the story became, unbelievable and horrific. Not only did Madonna Badger lose her children, her parents were in the house also and I am sure they had plans to have a wonderful family Christmas. Madonna Badger’s father played Santa this Christmas at the urging of one of his granddaughters; he must have been a very kind man, he was found trying to bring one of the girls to safety. The fire started because ashes were removed from the fireplace so Santa would not get hurt.

My question for you is would it be okay to send a sympathy card to Madonna Badger? I would send it to St. Thomas Church in Manhattan where the funeral was held. As selfish as this sounds, I need to express my grief. Thank you.

Lynn in Norwalk

Dear Lynn,

You can absolutely send a sympathy card. It may be a long time before the family can come to read it but if they see how many people care it may help their grief and help them find some peace; I would urge everyone to send condolence cards. You could send the card to the church, or you may want to research and see if there is a specific address that cards and donations may be sent.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

My pastor’s mother has been gravely ill for months now and my question is in preparation for her death. I want to send a sympathy card to Father Richard after she passes, but what do I write? A religious person such as he preaches the joy in death; his mother will join God in heaven and be at peace forever, so do I say I am sorry? I don’t even know which card to send. Sympathy? Condolences? Thinking of You? There is no question about wanting to express something but I am lost. Please help.

Also, would it be appropriate to mention how good he was to me when my mother passed? I don’t want to make this all about me!

Cherie in Exeter

Dear Cherie,

You can certainly express your sorrow for his personal loss. He will lose his mother; religious clergy or not, he is still a human being. You can send sympathy cards and write that you will never forget how kind and caring he was when you lost your mother. In my opinion a “Thinking of You” card is one you would send after some time has passed to let a person know that they are still in your thoughts even though time has passed.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I wanted to send a colleague of mine sympathy flowers as her cousin unexpectedly passed away last week. Is there a certain type of flower that people like to send during a time of one’s grieving? Also, I was wondering about the color; is there a color of flower to avoid? Are red flowers to “loud” when meant for sympathy? Please help as I don’t want to look insensitive and uninformed when it comes to sympathy bouquets and sympathy flower etiquette.

Loretta in Lancaster

Dear Loretta,

There really is not a certain type of “etiquette” when it comes to sending flowers for a loved one’s loss. The fact that you are sending flowers is such a nice gesture, and will be greatly appreciated by the recipient. While you wouldn’t want to send a bouquet of red roses as the Valentine’s Day connection is so large, you can send almost any flower of any color. There is a type of flower that many do send, and that is the lily. White lilies have a peaceful feel, and are often associated with comfort. You can always visit a florist or a florists’ website to get ideas on styles.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I don’t mean to make light of a sad situation, however my plea for help isn’t one of coping with grieving, per say! My husband, Rick and I live in a cul-de-sac and the man 3 houses away looks exactly like my husband! One could say they not only pass as brothers, but as twins. Here is where it gets sad, but funny at the same time. Unfortunately our neighbor Jerry passed away almost a month ago, but people in the neighborhood don’t really know yet. Jerry was one of those guys you’d see on rare occasions, taking in his garbage or getting the paper from his lawn. Well, now my husband (for the third time) has had people come up to him and say, “Hi Jerry” or “Hey Jerry, how are ya?!” This puts him in a strange spot, because not only does he have to say he really isn’t Jerry, but he doesn’t know if he should break the news of Jerry’s death to these random strangers! Obviously, no one confuses my hubby for Jerry when I’m with him, so I never get to witness any of this. I feel bad because the third time he told me the story, I broke out in a plethora of laughter. I just can’t believe this happened to him not once, not twice, but three times now! So I figured I’d actually try and help him (instead of just laugh at him) by reaching out to you for help. What do you think Rick should do, break the news to people or just mind his own business?

Jean in Madison

Dear Jean,

Well, first let me start off by saying, this post is definitely a Caring Carol first! I can see the humor in it from your point of view, but please keep into consideration that you might be feeding into your husband’s discomfort in this situation. I think that it might be best to play each occurrence by ear, assuming that this will happen to him again. If Rick actually knows the person who calls him by your neighbor’s name, and he feels comfortable enough to break the news, let him do so. If Rick doesn’t know the person, he could still choose to inform them of Jerry’s passing, or he could just respond by saying, ‘Oh, I am not Jerry, my name is Rick”. Besides, if the person was really close to your neighbor, I am sure they would have heard the news of Jerry’s passing, and not expect him to be standing in aisle 5 of the grocery store.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

My best friend Rachel has just recently lost her grandmother, and although I have been friends with her for over twelve years now, I had only met her grandmother two or three times while over their house.  I am kind of “lost for words” as they say, in how to express my sympathy and concern for her.  Usually I would send  sympathy cards and write a  special memory I have about the person that passed away, but in this situation her grandmother and I never really shared any moments.  I feel like using the word “sincerely” to sign my card is kind of cold and heartless.  Am I being to critical of myself?  Do you have any suggestions on some loving or warm words to express sympathy to a loved one, when you don’t know the person who is deceased too well, or even at all?

Bernadette in Livingston

Dear Bernadette,

Signing your card or sympathy note with “sincerely” actually isn’t callous at all…many people would do so without thinking twice.  I do understand, however, that you want a more caring and heart felt message to come through.  You might want to try one of these suggestions:

- You are in my thoughts
- Our thoughts and prayers are with you
- We are thinking of you
- We are thinking of you during this difficult time
- With deepest sympathy
- My sincere sympathy
- Our warmest condolences
- With heartfelt condolences
- Please accept my condolences
- Peace, Prayers and Blessings
- My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow
- You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

You don’t have to use one of these exact sayings verbatim, you can combine some of the phrases and write what feels natural or comfortable to you.  Just know, there is no right or wrong way to sign a sympathy card.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I am only 12 years old and do not have much experience with dealing with death. But unfortunately, I have already experienced the loss of someone very close and dear to my heart, my father. He died 7 years ago, when I was only 5, but I still miss him so much. I think that I have not been the same person since he died. I get the saddest around the holidays. Is this normal? My sister says I ruin Christmas time with my moping and I should be grateful I have the rest of my family by my side. I honestly don’t mean to ruin anyone’s good time, and I really do appreciate and love all the people in my family, but I just can’t seem to shrug off feeling extra sad at this time. Does this happen to anyone else?

Ashley in Mobile

Dear Ashley,

What you are going through is very normal. Many people feel sorrow around the holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, the start of the New Year, and even around the time of a loved one’s birthday. We can’t help but remember all the fun times we have had with the people that are no longer here to celebrate with us. Those happy, joyful and fond memories can often turn into grief, mourning and distress. Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one in their own way, and in their own time frame. This wasn’t a distant relative that you would see every few months or years – this was your Dad. No one should make you feel like you are grieving the wrong way. You can not change the way your heart feels, nor should you have to in order to please someone else. Healing takes time, and you are not the only one who feels this way. Talk to your Mom if you can, and let her know your feelings. You may be surprised to find that she understands, and will want to be there for you.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol:

My dear, sweet 83 year old grandmother is gravely ill. We know that it is just a matter of days or weeks until her passing. Grandma has made her wishes known to all of us and one of them is a bit unusual and is causing a great deal of dissent amongst family members – particularly my mother and I. You see, Grandma wishes to be buried wearing her favorite pair of pajamas (the last gift my grandfather gave her before he passed).

Well, my mother has already privately said this is ridiculous and she planned to put Grandma in a very nice dress for her final days of rest. My Mom thinks she knows best and calls the idea of burying Grandma’s in her favorite pajamas “completely inappropriate”. I disagree as does my sister. We say let Grandma be buried in what she wants. After all, it’s HER final wishes that should count. Everyone who knows Grandma, loves her and we think they’ll just smile and chuckle remembering her and her funny little ways fondly when they see her at the wake.

Is there proper funeral etiquette for such a request? Who is right here?

Sammi in Rochester

Dear Sammi,

Well, I must say this is the first I’ve come across this question and surely I can understand why it might cause some debate. First, I’m glad this is something your family is openly discussing ahead of time. It is important to try to make everyone feel at ease with the decision if at all possible and so I have a suggested solution that I think may appease everyone.

It sounds like your mother might be concerned that she did not do the “appropriate” thing at the viewing when others see your Grandma. So I suggest you dress Grandma up for the wake and, just before the actual burial, have Grandma changed into her beloved PJs just as she wished. If this is still not acceptable, try talking with Grandma and perhaps she would be satisfied by having a treasured item from her late husband buried with her that would give her the comfort she is apparently seeking in making her request in the first place.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

In the past, I’ve seen people send out “comfort baskets” when someone is sick or just feeling blue and under the weather. However, I’ve never experienced someone sending one of those baskets for a sympathy cause –do people do that, kind of like a small pick me up? Is it tacky to send a basket to a friend whose grandmother passed away? I see ones out there with wine and cheese, some with scented candles, and others with delectable treats, like chocolates and nuts, or even gourmet fruit baskets with beautiful presentation. I’m a little lost and confused. Maybe I should just stick with a pretty floral bouquet? Please help!

Marianne in Sacramento

Dear Marianne,

You can absolutely send a basket, anyone of your choice, to cheer up a person who has recently lost a loved one. It is all about showing a token of love and caring. If you are unsure about any food allergies your recipient may have, or if you don’t know their scent preferences for a candle themed basket, you can always send a package with your friend’s favorite sport team, or if they are a pet lover an animal themed package. If you feel overwhelmed with choices and prefer sending flowers, they will be well received also. No matter what you choose, be sure to write a heart felt message in the sympathy card or tag you send. It’s the thought that counts, and your friend will have lighter spirits knowing you were so thoughtful.

Caring Carol