Dear Caring Carol,

I have a favor to ask. Would you please post advice on things not to say at a wake? I just attended a wake for a friend and I upset to hear what some people were saying, thinking it was the right thing. I know it is difficult to express sympathy but if you would post some guidelines maybe you can help some readers. Thank you.

Kimberley in Port Charlotte

Dear Kimberley

My condolences on the loss of your friend. I agree with you about the difficulty expressing sympathy; sometimes there are no words. I don’t think people are being malicious or intentionally offensive, they just don’t know. I would be happy to post some guidelines.

“I know how you feel”
You could not possibly know how another person feels, even in grief. This offers little comfort to someone who is bereaved.

“He is in a better place now”
Since you don’t know the particular religious beliefs of every person, this phrase is one that should never be used.

“It was his time to go”
No matter how sick someone was, or how much they suffered, the people who are left behind are still saddened that they are gone.

“He looks better now”
This remark, while said with the best of intentions, is completely insensitive.

Remember, always think before you speak and don’t feel awkward being silent. A simple, “I’m so sorry for your loss” is all you need if you are not sure what else to say.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I hope you can settle a disagreement I am having with my sister. When I send a sympathy card I sign the card with “You are in my prayers” or “Love and Prayers.” Either way I mention that I will pray for the person I am sending the card to and the deceased. I don’t see anything wrong with this but she thinks it is pompous to think that anyone would be consoled with my prayers because I am not the clergy.

Please let me know if I am being inappropriate.

Lara in Jackson

Dear Lara,

I disagree with your sister; frankly I think her opinion is pompous and judgmental. It is very difficult to find the right words that will bring comfort to a friend or family member that has recently lost a loved one, and I think the gift of prayer is uplifting. So yes, it is appropriate to mention prayer as your closing wish when sending a sympathy card.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

My father’s mother, who was born in Italy, lived with us until her death a few years ago at the age of 94. As a young child I can remember her in the kitchen making cookies whenever anybody died. She called them some Italian name but we kids called them bone cookies because they looked like bones. Of course we wouldn’t eat them because we thought they were the bones of the person who just died. Do you know what the Italian name for them is? Do they still make these cookies?

Theresa in Farmingdale

Dear Theresa,

Believe it or not, you are not the first person to ask me this question! The English translation for these cookies, which are hard and crisp like biscotti, is Bones of the Dead. The Italian name is as varied as the region from where they come as is the recipe for each. These cookies are still used to honor the deceased but are also commonly prepared on November 2nd to commemorate All Souls Day or The Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed, a predominantly Catholic holiday. In the Piedmont region of Italy, they are known as Ossa di Morto and are made with hazelnuts and almonds. In Calabria they are called Uosse de Mort O Finocchietti and are made with fennel and anise. The Lombard region refers to them as Fave dei Morti and makes them with almonds and pine nuts. And in Rome, where they are made with almonds, they are called Fave Dolci. Although they are made to resemble bones they are never made with real bones, so go ahead and mangia!

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

My brother-in-law’s Aunt Evelyn passed away suddenly last night. I honestly never met her, not even on holidays or weddings, but I do know that they were extremely close and that he loved her very much. Aunt Evelyn helped raise my brother-in-law when his mom suddenly passed away as a child, and he’s been like a son to her ever since. Is it strange to go to a wake or funeral if you truly don’t even know the person? I feel like if I show up, he might be like, “Well, you didn’t even know my aunt, why are you here?” On the other hand, I feel like if I don’t attend, he’ll be hurt and think, “Well, I am your sister’s husband, you should be there for me in a time of need.” Carol, I am extremely bad at this sort of thing and get uncomfortable when it comes to topics like this, and would love your expertise in this matter. I only have two days to make the right decision, as the wake is on Sunday. Thank you.

Livia in Sandusky

Dear Livia,

The point I am about to make is actually something that most of us don’t realize, and if we do, we don’t remember: when we go to a wake, we are really going to support the survivors of the deceased friend or family member as well as the person who has passed. It’s never a bad thing or a wrong thing to let someone you know that you care and are thinking of them. Everyone deals with the death of a loved one in a different way and for different lengths of time, but one thing a mourning family member will always appreciate is a well wish and affection in a time of need. I guarantee you’ll never be judged for caring. Show your brother-in-law he is loved and he will love you back for it, that’s a promise! It shows you are going above and beyond for him, especially for the reason of never having contact with his beloved aunt. Go to the wake and funeral – and feel positive about doing so. Never forget this – You are going to a wake or funeral to show your respect, your support and your love not only for the departed, but for the living.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I just heard one of my coworker’s had a death in her family…her uncle. Now I know she was close to her uncle, and this will be extremely hard on her. However, I am not “close” with my coworker. We chat on occasion in the kitchen, or say hello when we pass in the hallways, or exchange small talk when we see each other in the bathroom. However, I do not talk to her outside of work, unless we are all at a happy hour outing or some other work related function. I think I would feel out of place if I go to her Uncle’s funeral/wake services. But then I feel bad that she may feel like we are closer than I give ourselves credit to be, and that she may just naturally expect me to be there. Carol, is there a rule on closeness to someone when not going to a funeral would not be offensive to the other person? I’m so torn!

Betsey in Baltimore

Dear Betsey,

I have been in this situation before, and there is no right or wrong response here. The fact of the matter is, the answer lies within you. If you do not feel comfortable being there, then maybe you are better off mailing sympathy cards to her home, or sending her flowers. Keep in mind, there will probably be other coworkers that you can sit with at the funeral, so you will not be or feel alone. Maybe you can go with one of your friends at work that may be going around a time you would consider going. You don’t have much time to decide, so I would just take some time to reflect on the situation, and see which would make you feel worse, not going to the uncle’s funeral at all, or going and feeling like you are not expected to be there. One thing is for sure though, no one would ever think to themselves, “Oh, why would she show up?!’…People that are mourning appreciate all the support they get.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

My Jewish neighbor of many years passed away and I would like to extend condolences to her family with more than just sympathy cards. Someone told me I shouldn’t send flowers. Do you have any suggestions?

Soraya in Clifton

Dear Soraya,

Traditionally, it is considered inappropriate to send flowers when a person of the Jewish faith has passed away. In Judaism, death is a part of life and mourning a loss is encouraged; it is not a time for cheering up the bereaved. If you want to send a gift, consider sending a basket of fruit or food, but make sure to check if the family keeps kosher so you send an appropriate basket. Gifts other than food are not a part of the Jewish tradition during mourning. You could also send a donation to a charity, in particular a Jewish organization in the name of the deceased. Or why not do a good deed. Perhaps the family has errands that need to be taken care of, or out of town visitors need to be picked up from the airport. I’m sure that whatever you decide to do will be greatly appreciated by your neighbor’s family

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I was researching ways to tell someone how sorry I was that she lost her father and came across some sayings that I would like to share with your readers. These quotes would be perfect for sympathy cards or inclusion with floral arrangements.

“If a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.” -Edgar Watson Howe

Say not in grief ‘he is no more’ but live in thankfulness that he was.” ~Hebrew proverb

“He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it.” ~Turkish Proverb

“Tears water our growth.” ~William Shakespeare

“Every one can master a grief but he that has it.” ~William Shakespeare

“Grief is a process, not a state.” ~Anne Grant

“Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose; All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us.” ~Helen Keller

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” ~Helen Keller

Sincerely,

Emily in Brooklyn

Dear Emily,

Thank you for these wonderful quotations. While many of us know of these sayings not everyone has thought to add them to a sympathy card.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I have a huge dilemma. My close friend’s ex-husband passed away. They remained friendly after their divorce, especially for the sake of their two very young children. I want to be there for Chelsea, but I know I am going to feel extremely awkward seeing his family. I know the events leading up to their divorce were not horrible or unspeakable, it is just I know how much pain he caused my friend and I really started to hate him after everything went on. I don’t want this to be a gap in between my being there for Chelsea… I will definitely put my personal feelings aside. What I feel I can’t put aside, however, is the discomfort of seeing his side of the family. Please help!

Zoe in Dearborn

Dear Zoe,

That is a tough spot for a best friend to be in, and I do not envy you. The best advice I can give you is, keep in your mind now and throughout the funeral service, that you are not there for deep commitment to your friend Chelsea’s ex-husband, but for are there for moral support. There is no need to feel like you have to fool anyone. No point in being phony and saying “Oh, so and so was a wonderful man, etc.” Simply be there for your friend, and when you are at the wake, you can just say to his family, “I am sorry for your loss”. After all, no matter how insensitive he was to your friend in the marriage, he still was a son, sibling, uncle, cousin, to others who loved him. Keep in mind that just showing up at the funeral is a support system for your friend and others touched by this death, especially to the children. He was, after all, their father and they might be too young to understand any negativity that caused the breakup of their parents. Your presence in this situation speaks volumes, not only to your friend, but to the deceased’s family as well.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I have heard the statement “Grief shared is grief diminished” and always thought that was for people who didn’t have anyone close to them to talk to or were too weak to help them selves. I am not the type to join groups or share my innermost feelings with strangers. Then within three years I lost a brother, my husband and my mother; I felt more numb than grief-stricken. I felt that as soon as I picked myself up I got knocked down again reinforcing the fact that I felt no one could possibly understand what I was going through, I especially did not want anyone to fell sorry for me. I decided to be miserable for the rest of my life.

I found myself out of work and had a hard time finding anything in my field of social work. There was a job opening at our local hospital on the bereavement team. Well, who had more experience than me, I thought. I got the job. I received training on how to support and listen to those who lost loved one, and I never knew how complex the levels of grief were or how much I missed by not seeking help when I needed it. I suppose I thought it was a sign of failing. I now know that I wasted years feeling sorry for myself, a regular pity party everyday.

I would like to convey to your readers that seeking help is not a frailty but a demonstration of your determination to help yourself heal.

Mary in Des Moines

Dear Mary,

Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your losses. I wish you had found counseling earlier, but perhaps you appreciate it more now because you realize what you missed. Helping others is a wonderful way to help yourself.

Caring Carol

Dear Caring Carol,

I need your advice, I am so livid I don’t want to say or do anything I will regret later.
Growing up my family and our neighbors were very close. Although Mrs. Moore was the mother of two, we were only about 10 years apart in age so we were friendly. Back in the day we addressed an older person by Mr. and Mrs. No first names, it was considered disrespectful. She did ask me to call her Sara but old habits are hard to break. Mrs. Moore gave the family home to her daughter and she moved into an adult living center. Still we remained friends and phoned each other about once a month. Since my mother passed away, I felt even closer to her.

I work full time and don’t read the newspaper everyday, I just pile up the sections I am interested in and look at a week’s worth of news over the weekend. Last night I was reading our local paper and Mrs. Moore’s name was on the obituary page. I was dumbfounded. Why wasn’t I called! Right now I want to call her daughter and scream at her. She is lazy but this is just beyond belief. I don’t know what to do; the wake and funeral were last week. I never had a chance to say goodbye to a long time friend. I truly want to wring her daughter’s neck for being so inconsiderate and thoughtless.

Jeanette in Stratford

Dear Jeanette,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, but I don’t think that punishing Mrs. Moore’s daughter will bring you much satisfaction. Is it possible she didn’t know that you and her mother maintained your relationship? Reach out to the daughter and express your condolences while letting her know that her mother had a friend in you. If she truly didn’t know then you should forgive her and move forward. If she did in fact know of your friendship with her Mother and still chose to ignore you, feel no need to carry on a friendship with this woman. You will not be hurting the memory of Mrs. Moore.

Caring Carol