by Caring Carol on May 15, 2012
Dear Caring Carol,
I have a favor to ask. Would you please post advice on things not to say at a wake? I just attended a wake for a friend and I upset to hear what some people were saying, thinking it was the right thing. I know it is difficult to express sympathy but if you would post some guidelines maybe you can help some readers. Thank you.
Kimberley in Port Charlotte
Dear Kimberley
My condolences on the loss of your friend. I agree with you about the difficulty expressing sympathy; sometimes there are no words. I don’t think people are being malicious or intentionally offensive, they just don’t know. I would be happy to post some guidelines.
“I know how you feel”
You could not possibly know how another person feels, even in grief. This offers little comfort to someone who is bereaved.
“He is in a better place now”
Since you don’t know the particular religious beliefs of every person, this phrase is one that should never be used.
“It was his time to go”
No matter how sick someone was, or how much they suffered, the people who are left behind are still saddened that they are gone.
“He looks better now”
This remark, while said with the best of intentions, is completely insensitive.
Remember, always think before you speak and don’t feel awkward being silent. A simple, “I’m so sorry for your loss” is all you need if you are not sure what else to say.
Caring Carol
by Caring Carol on May 8, 2012
Dear Caring Carol,
I hope you can settle a disagreement I am having with my sister. When I send a sympathy card I sign the card with “You are in my prayers” or “Love and Prayers.” Either way I mention that I will pray for the person I am sending the card to and the deceased. I don’t see anything wrong with this but she thinks it is pompous to think that anyone would be consoled with my prayers because I am not the clergy.
Please let me know if I am being inappropriate.
Lara in Jackson
Dear Lara,
I disagree with your sister; frankly I think her opinion is pompous and judgmental. It is very difficult to find the right words that will bring comfort to a friend or family member that has recently lost a loved one, and I think the gift of prayer is uplifting. So yes, it is appropriate to mention prayer as your closing wish when sending a sympathy card.
Caring Carol
by Caring Carol on May 1, 2012
Dear Caring Carol,
My father’s mother, who was born in Italy, lived with us until her death a few years ago at the age of 94. As a young child I can remember her in the kitchen making cookies whenever anybody died. She called them some Italian name but we kids called them bone cookies because they looked like bones. Of course we wouldn’t eat them because we thought they were the bones of the person who just died. Do you know what the Italian name for them is? Do they still make these cookies?
Theresa in Farmingdale
Dear Theresa,
Believe it or not, you are not the first person to ask me this question! The English translation for these cookies, which are hard and crisp like biscotti, is Bones of the Dead. The Italian name is as varied as the region from where they come as is the recipe for each. These cookies are still used to honor the deceased but are also commonly prepared on November 2nd to commemorate All Souls Day or The Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed, a predominantly Catholic holiday. In the Piedmont region of Italy, they are known as Ossa di Morto and are made with hazelnuts and almonds. In Calabria they are called Uosse de Mort O Finocchietti and are made with fennel and anise. The Lombard region refers to them as Fave dei Morti and makes them with almonds and pine nuts. And in Rome, where they are made with almonds, they are called Fave Dolci. Although they are made to resemble bones they are never made with real bones, so go ahead and mangia!
Caring Carol
